France For Sale

Oh, my country has a first name, it's F-R-A-N-C-E...My country has a second name, it's...

What comes to mind when you think of France? That hulking husk of metal looming over the Seine, of course. That fire-ravaged church in Paris. Tourists wearing berets. Artsy fartsy stuff. Smelly cheese. Bread. Strikes. People habitually shrugging their shoulders. Paperwork.

Or, perhaps, as those fellows put it so succinctly in the Book of Mormon musical: “France! Land of pastries and turtlenecks!”

Whatever images flood your mind when you hear “France,” there is a global obsession with the country and its culture. The Chinese are absolutely Looney Tunes for all things French at the moment. France, pandemics aside, is the most visited country on the planet for tourists. People are compelled to make terrible, cliché-riddled TV shows about life here.

Still, the French government thinks France, as a brand, needs a bit of a refresh. The country, after all, is getting on in years. There is the risk of losing touch with Generation Tiktok. New countries are always coming along with enticing new offers for tourists. (I’m looking at you, Iceland!) So France is taking steps to give itself a marketing makeover to connect with The Youth and other assorted people with cash in their pockets.

There seems to be nothing the current president loves more than hawking his beloved product to anyone and everyone. It is a shared passion among politicians, making it feel sometimes like France is ruled by an elite class of used car salesmen.

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In trying to freshen up the French brand, the government turned to marketing experts who were full of ideas. The government hired the branding and marketing firm Mediameeting, which bills itself as the “1ère Voice Business Company française,” a slogan that neatly straddles that classic no-man’s land between French and English a place where Franglais goes to die.

Naturally, this effort began with creating a new theme song. France now has its own official jingle, the most essential of all advertising elements, a powerful weapon that has convinced people for generations to eat overly processed meats wrapped in plastic and guzzle sugary drinks with no nutritional value. The industry that wanted to “Buy The World A Coke” and posed the existential peer-pressure puzzler, “I’m a Pepper, He’s a Pepper, She’s a Pepper, Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Pepper, too?” has a solution to sharpen France’s image.

The government rationalized the need for an audio identity because audio is 4.75 times more memorable than other types of messaging. So finally, people will have no trouble remembering France!

The government revealed the jingle in a solemn hype video:

As the video explains, the tune is an electro version of the Marseillaise dubbed “FR.AIR”.

"It's a tune that makes us vibrate from the fields of our countryside to the Champs-Élysées,” says the narrator. “A tune that we sing in chorus united as one, all in a trance, from the Vélodrome to the Stade de France. A tune that makes us inspired by uniting against the worst and for the best.”

Vibrate away, people.

As national anthems go, the Marseillaise is pretty badass. It’s the R-rated, red-band-trailer, horror show of patriotic hymns. There are bloody banners being raised, soldiers rushing in to slit the throats of children, and the impure blood of foreigners watering the fields. By comparison, the Star Spangled Banner is a PG-13 song, with vague “bombs bursting in air” and “rockets red glare” that seem tame and sanitized. Francis Scott Key couldn’t be bothered to give us a few bombs blowing off heads or cannonballs severing limbs to spice things up, so the U.S. is stuck with its timid hymn.

But now, as envisioned by the electro-trance jingle version of the Marseillaise, the France of the future is a moody teenager, very sensitive and emotional, with dyed black hair and skinny jeans, swaying in the corner with their eyes closed and being sad about their latest breakup. Perhaps a branding opportunity was missed by not calling the tune Ennui?

FR.AIR comes in 3 versions: 52 seconds, 4 seconds, and 2.2 seconds which are supposed to be affixed to all official audio and video presentations. Here is the extended version for your listening pleasure.

No doubt it will shock you to your core to learn that this new tune did not elicit unanimous praise. As one Frenchie wrote on Twitter: “Je ne voudrais surtout pas avoir l’air rabat-joie mais ça nous a coûté combien, cette merde? (I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but how much did this shit cost us?)”

Next up: Marianne, the female symbol of the Republic’s values: Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. Her image is affixed to every official building and written document in France:

Mary got an update for the nation’s stamps in 2018 (left). Now she’s gotten another for 2023 (right).

“After Marianne the Engaged, it is a Marianne of the future who will adorn the stamps in common use from November 13,” the government announced. “This Marianne with long hair blending into a green decor, her face resolutely turned towards the future, symbolizes the ecological transition. It was designed by graphic designer Olivier Balez, author and illustrator of press, children's literature, and comic strips, and chosen by the President of the Republic from among projects carried out by fifteen artists.”

But wait, there’s more!

France has also launched a new marketing campaign with the slogan: MAKE IT ICONIC. Choose France / MARQUEZ LES ESPRITS. Choisir la France. The campaign is targeting five countries (Germany, Canada, UAE, US, and India) and “aims to further amplify the influence and attractiveness of France on an international scale.” (Sorry in advance if you are one of those 5).

Now, per the Franglais Death Valley reference above, if you can explain what the grammatically tortured “Make It Iconic” actually means, or wants you to do, then please do drop me a letter using the Marianne stamp.

“It aims to bring out the audacity and spirit of innovation characteristic of France by being embodied, every day, in its economic dynamism, its know-how, its cultural and artistic vitality, its gastronomy, and its tourist wealth,” read the government announcement. “It will be carried throughout the world by the diplomatic network and state operators.”

The campaign features images of celebrities and things from sports and business and stuff that may or may not be recognizable to people outside of France, but trust us they are Iconic! For the truly curious, check out the official site for their names and bios.

Why stop there? The government is on a roll, and so they’re also seeking proposals on how to improve the image of French cuisine around the world. Because I guess now that everyone is eating Five Guys burgers and Krispy Kreme donuts in Paris, people think of France as the global fast food capital?

In any case, Prez Macron announced in September 2023 a national strategy to promote French haute cuisine “aimed at preserving, promoting and disseminating the exceptional culinary heritage of France, and one of the main axes of which is to promote the access to haute cuisine for everyone.”

So the nation’s tourism agency, Atout France, put out a call for initiatives for proposals that create events that make “French gastronomic excellence accessible to as many people as possible.” Amuse bouche for the people!

With the marketing winds at his back, Bruno Le Maire, France’s economic minister and writer of soft-core porn, traveled to New York City recently for Operation Seduce Wall Street. Step right up:

He spent several days meeting with members of the financial community to convince them to invest in, um, that one country that’s…oh darn, it’s on the tip of my tongue…Next to Germany, south of the UK…Starts with an F…

Oh wait, what’s that sound?

Ah yes, I remember now. It’s France!

Chris O’Brien

Le Pecq